Shine like a Sun !

You introduce yourself as my childhood friend. You tell me you are happy to find me on Facebook.  You congratulate me. You appreciate my husband, my son. And then you also tell me that "you look beautiful in your profile pic". Wow !! Thank you so much for your gracious compliments. I accept them with gratitude. I too remember you from my childhood. Aren't you the same person who used to call me "Kaali mata"? 

Something that spread like fire and many more started giggling and saying the same thing to me. I used to feel bad. I didn't know words like "insulted" "humiliated" or "embarrassed" at that time. But I definitely used to feel hurt and ashamed of myself. I used to hide myself. I didn't like myself. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror. I used to reject all newly bought clothes by my mother thinking they were too bright or dark or light or whatever but they didn't suit me. I became what you called me. I took that term seriously and started identifying myself with your opinion of me. I became my color. I became blind to everything else. I became blind to the fact that I was the brightest girl in the class. That I used to answer all the questions. That I was the best actor in the class. That I was the best orator. That I was the best writer in all the three languages that we studied. I was a good athelete. I won Chess tournaments. I won Badminton games. I was chosen as the Master of ceremony on most occasions. I spoke fluently in English and Marathi, both were not my mother tongue. I was sincere and responsible. I was helpful and caring. But what I just became was "Kaali". And where were you all this while? I don't remember you studying or playing or dancing or acting or singing or writing...where were you? What did you excel in? I never asked. I never thought about it. I gave you the power over myself and made you powerful. I made you the bully you were. I helped you to hide your weaknesses and failures and flaws behind this projected power. I helped you to suck my self esteem and fill your own empty jar at my cost. 

I didn't know how to handle this at that time. I didn't know who would help me. I felt helpless and powerless. I shrank and became smaller and smaller until I was just an insignificant "kaali" girl. I started overhearing this word from many mouths thereafter. It never left me for a long time. People suggested "Apply besan with milk", "Apply aloe vera", "Apply potatoes", "Apply tomatoes". They used to worry who will marry me. And if I am not married how will my younger sisters get married. What is their fault. They are fair and good looking enough unlike me. 

I don't know when. I don't know how. But one day I resigned to my fate. I must have got tired. I decided to accept myself as I am. Slowly, the veil of my blindness started lifting and I started becoming aware of the light within me. I stood up. I shone brighter and brighter. Until I realized that for every one person who noticed my darkness there were 100 who loved and admired me for my brightness. I was no longer "Kaali". I started hearing my name! I was not your opinion afterall. I was me. With my pluses and minuses. With all my shades and colors. I was beautiful in myriad ways. And I liked myself! 

Everyday I meet so many older versions of mine. A boy in eleventh standard. Who scored 9 CGPA in 10th. Says he doesn't deserve to live because he is "kaala". 

A girl who doesn't go to school anymore. Hides in her room all day. Feels sad and guilty. You know why? Because she is "Moti". 

They have taken your labels seriously. They are in pain. 

But I am not helpless anymore. I know how to help them. I know how can they discover their own light. 

I am their safe place. They can come and speak to me. And take back the power to lift the veil and present themselves to the World !! 

Like the Sun they will Shine. Brighter and brighter.  

Therapists need therapy too !!

Psychologists, Counsellors, therapists , Doctors are also people with their own sets of problems. They also need to talk like everyone else. They also need to learn coping skills like everyone else. They may also need professional help. I often hear people saying "Oh...you are crying...but you are Psychologist !! " 

"Oh..why are you shouting...how can you get angry ..aren't you a Psychologist?" "What kind of Psychologist you are when you can't control yourself?". 

It seems to be logical to think that mental health professionals should be able to practice more emotional regulation as they have studied emotions and how to cope with them as a part of their education and training. But this expectation is little more far fetched than this logic. It fails to take into account the fact that these professionals or practitioners are also human and they have their emotional brain as well. They will also experience all the emotions just like any other human being. For e.g an orthopedic surgeon can suffer from a fracture although he knows all about bones , similarly a Psychologist can suffer a break-up although he knows better about human relationships. 

The only difference is that after suffering from a fracture an orthopedician will take utmost care and may recover faster than us, though the healing process will still take minimum time required for healing. Similarly, a Psychologist may have a quicker come back after an emotional upheaval. But we cannot guarantee that just because I know about bones , I will not get a fracture! 

Also, the profession itself is quite demanding as it is emotionally taxing and it is very difficult though ideal to remain detached from the sufferings of the fellow human beings while providing counselling services. 

The people who choose this profession are generally themselves empathetic people who are naturally sensitive to other's needs. They tend to get attached with their clients especially in the early years of their practice and their client's distress affects them. 

On the other hand when they look around them in their own distress they encounter apathy from others, even their own family and friends. 

Hence, it is imperative for all mental health professionals to invest in their own emotional and mental health regularly. They need to undergo systematic therapy sessions to deal with their own neurosis ideally before they start taking up sessions to help others and on a continuous basis even after that. 

They need to invest in their own sleep, physical exercise and mental relaxation by way of meditation, reading and pursuing a hobby for themselves. 

Friends, remember you can't pour from an empty cup after all! 

Take very good care of yourselves too. 

.

Identifying Social media addiction

Social media addiction has become a common and raging psychological disorder with adolescents, young adults and adults all coming in its grip.

It is important to understand what kind of social media behavior will qualify as an "addiction".  To make it easy let us consider the term "Psychological dependence". Whenever we become "dependent" on any object or behavior and without which we experience distress then it can be considered as addiction.

I am seeing a lot of such cases in my clinic nowadays where children as young as 11 years old are getting hooked to sites like Instagram, online games like PUBG, Fortnite , Facebook, Snapchat, tik tok etc.

The children brought to my clinic have lost interest in studies, friends, play, and all other activities.
🔻They are using screen for as long as 4 to 16 hrs a day.
🔻They just want to be left alone with their phones.
🔻Any attempt to talk to them or scold them is met with stiff resistance and aggression.
🔻They are up in bed for hours till early morning and as a result have to skip school.

They do not show any motivation to modify their behaviour and are reluctant and hostile when brought to the clinic.

This is because it is too late before the parents take this action. It would be helpful if parents know the telltale signs of whether the child is slipping into dependance and take an early action.

The important things to look for could be :

1. Is your child having unlimited access to smartphone?

2. What is the total "screen time" of your child?

3. What are the other activities that your child participates in?

4. Are you aware what social media sites your child is visiting or using?

5. Are you aware of which online games is he playing?

6. Has your child's interest in his other activities reduced off late?

7. What is his sleeping pattern?

8. Do you notice any changes in his mood?

9. Is his academic performance deteriorating suddenly?

10. Does he become defensive , aggressive, or starts crying when you try to control his phone usage?

11. What is the level of his actual social interaction with his peers and family?

Answers to some of these questions should start you thinking on lines of seeking help.

The Psychological counseling for such addictions is a specialised treatment like any other addiction.

Some of the points which could help in dealing with these children could be :

1. Initially an attempt is made to engage the child in conversation.

2. A non judgemental attitude helps.

3. The child is not blamed or accused of his behaviours.

4. A confidentiality based rapport is established.

5. The child is helped to engage in conversations about his life and goals.

6. A discussion about his behaviours and it's consequences is then undertaken with the help of some Experiential games and activities.

These are a few points to start with.

Once the child's confidence is won only then discussion on modifying phone related behaviours are resorted to.

If introduced prematurely the session would end abruptly and therapy would backfire.

हम भी है सीवान

हारे हैं हम भी बार बार
रोएं हैं दिल हार ज़ार ज़ार
हिम्मत हमको भी बंधा दो ना
हमको भी गले लगा लो ना

मेहनत हम भी तो करते हैं
खेती मजदूरी कर दम भरते हैं
बारिश कहीं पे आती नहीं
और कहीं बाढ़ में हम मरते हैं

घबराहट हमको भी होती है
जब परेशानी नहीं झिलती है
मायूसी से नम आंखें रोती हैं
हमको भी ढाढस बंधा दो ना

हिम्मत ना हारेंगे हम भी कभी
पिता समान तुम हो जो खड़े
उम्मीदें तुमसे ही बांधी हैं
हमको भी तो पहचानो ना

गली गली और शहर शहर
कर देंगे स्वच्छ और सुंदर
सपनों का भारत बनाएंगे
हम भी चांद पर जाएंगे

करके तो देखो विश्वास हम पर
कर्तव्य पथ पर चलके हम भी
भारत को कर देंगे उज्वल उज्वल
सोने की चिड़िया फिर से कहाएंगे

- डॉ चीनू अग्रवाल (मुक्ति)

Learning Psychology with Dr Chinu Agrawal.

*Learning Psychology with Dr Chinu Agrawal*
====================

Dr Chinu Agrawal, Ph.D, is a renowned Psychologist and Psychotherapist of the country. She is the Director of Feeling Minds, an organization dedicated to bring Psychology to everyone.
As a part of her mission of bringing Psychology and it's benefits to people, Dr Chinu  runs workshops in various parts of the country which give profound knowledge about various theories of Psychology like
1. "Transactional Analysis"
2. "Cognitive Drill Therapy"
3."Recovery Focussed Behavior therapy"
4. Rational Emotive Cognitive Behavior Therapy
5. Career Guidance and Counseling
6. Relationship Counseling
7. Parenting and Grand Parenting.
8. Experiential Emotional Education for children and adolescents.
9. Indian Psychology.
10. Teacher training.

These workshops are of two categories :
1. To create Experts in these fields who can then start their own practice in these fields.
2. Providing these services to people.

The duration and cost of these workshops vary from 2 to 15 days. Rs 5500/- to Rs 2lakhs.

There are various ways to associate with Feeling Minds®and Dr Chinu Agrawal.

1. Becoming a Franchise partner and starting your own venture in this field.

2. Becoming an associate and getting Feeling Minds®programs in your cities.

3. Getting trained in Feeling Minds®ROI based programs and starting your own enterprise.

Our vision is to reach atleast 2 crore people every year and equip them with the benefits of action research in Psychology.

We keep conducting regular classes on whatsapp free of cost.

And are starting our paid MOOC courses online from 2020.

If you are interested in becoming a part of our learning whatsapp group, please fill the following details and whatsapp to 9837007165.

1. Name :
2. Qualification :
3. Occupation:
4. Experience:
5. Interests : 
6. Email id :
7. Postal address:

Thank you.

What does a Psychologist do?

I am so sorry friends, I cannot read your mind. I can also not "train your brain" nor can I "coach your mind". I can also honestly not *change* you.

I am only a Psychologist. Then what do I exactly do?

I can only help you to explore your own choices in a neutral, scientific and Systematic manner.

I can collaborate with you to bring about a change in yourself which you feel is necessary to become more productive, effective and happier.

I can educate you about the processes of the mind so that you understand yourself better. So that you can put your thinking, feeling and behaving in a perspective and realise where and what is going wrong.

I can listen to you nonjudgmentally and help you to put your problems in realistic proportions.

I can facilitate your discovery of your own solutions to your problems through a rational discussion.

I can teach you certain Psychology based theories and concepts in a simplified manner in order to help you understand human mind and behaviour.

I can help you to develop certain skills which will help you in coping with your day to day stresses and emotional upsets.

I can help you to scientifically assess and evaluate yourself with the help of scientific, reliable and validated psychometric tools to get an insight about your own personality, choose a career etc.

I can help you to gain insight in your own thinking and behaviour patterns and how they can be modified if required to more beneficial and Rational ones.

I can help you to gain an understanding about how the human mind functions so that you can understand and accept others and manage your relationships and conflicts in a much better way.

Remember, only you can change yourself as the door of change is locked from inside.

I can only knock on it.

Warm regards,

Dr Chinu Agrawal, Ph.D
Psychologist and Psychotherapist
Director: Feeling Minds®
www.feelingminds.com

*Your partner in your Emotional growth*