Embrace your Sexuality !

Besides all the other issues raised about women and their empowerment on the occasion of International Women's Day, their sexual health is one of the most pertinent. Incidentally, March is also touted as the "Sexual Pleasure Month" by American Sexual Health Association. With lots of brouhaha over Sex Education in the recent years, the stigma around Sexuality still remains deep rooted in our society. In the wake of rampant sexual crimes against women in our country, we are justified in preaching caution to our little girls but we really have no idea as to how to do it. If our message for caution goes wrong we may end up scarring her for life. Most Indian females have had these lessons which echo in their minds and never let them come out of their shadow to experience and enjoy their own sexuality. 

I myself was taught by seniors in my family at a tender age  that "You should not trust men" "All they want from a woman is her body" "Keep yourself covered in layers as they might be watching you with their X-ray eyes".

With these and many such lessons we grow up and get into relationships with prejudice against men in general and sex in particular. Most Indian women are not able to enjoy sex even in their marraiges because of this learnt repulsion. Being called "sexy" is not a compliment but a derogatory remark. And of course we never use the same remark for men ever! Did anyone teach us that "Sex is healthy"? Or that "Sex gives us pleasure"? Or that "Sex is beneficial for our mental and physical health"? Or that "A wife can also ask for sex, it doesn't always have to be initiated by the husband?" Or that "Having Sex relieves stress?" Or that "We are entitled to our own bodies?" 

Or that "We can talk openly about our own sexual requirements with our male partners?". 

I had a newly wedded couple for Counseling a few weeks ago. The girl said, "if he loves me he is supposed to know what I will like and what I will not?". Nobody can read our minds. It's okay to talk to him about what you like and what you don't. Trust men for once and give them a chance to know you better. They are also learning to come out of stereotypes. And I have seen an equal number of men as nervous as women are. 

Sex is afterall the language of the soul. Let's listen to speak it. The Divine Dance is not possible without our efforts to be real and intimate in a relationship truly. 

Let's accept ourselves alongwith our Sexuality and become truly empowered Women ! 

Accepting others as they are!

We may not like some people and some people may not like us. Inspite of this, we may coexist mutually , peacefully in the same world under the same sky. I can't make it a condition for everyone to be fond of me or someone to be fond of me at all times. We feel irritated by each other even in most close relationships at times. But do these times last? Fortunately no. Times change. They change automatically. People change. They grow. They mature. We change. We grow. We mature. There are certain things we disliked in the past but we have developed a liking for lately. 

Sometimes it is difficult to learn simple facts about life. Let us try and reflect over these two phrases today 1. "People are largely unpredictable" and 2. " Everything is temporary". 

Are they making sense to you? 

One of the students of class tenth in one of the schools where I was conducting Feeling Minds®Experiential Emotional Education was highly unpopular amongst his classmates. Nobody liked to sit with him. This boy was a fair, plump boy. When I received a special request from the class teacher to meet him separately as she was worried about his class performance, I found him to be a decent boy with nice, pleasant manners. It was difficult to understand why would anyone not like him. 

I asked to meet a few of his classmates to seek their opinion about him. They told me "Ma'am , he is very irritating" .

When I asked them to describe in more details, they said "Ma'am, he doesn't like to study" "He talks about all other things besides studies" "Ma'am, he once threw my water bottle when we were in 3rd Std. It broke to pieces and I got a beating at home because it was a very expensive one. I don't like him since then. " 

These reasons were strangely inadequate for the kind of boycott the boy was facing from the entire class. 

I then made the class do an activity the next day. Where they stood in two circles. An inner circle and outer circle. The people in the inner circle had to step in one by one. All others had to describe what they liked about this person. Which he was free to accept or reject. 

Then he has to tell the group about some of the things that he doesn't like about himself. And the others were to comment whether this is true about him or not. For e.g he could say "I am not good at Maths"

The outer circle would then discuss and comment , even if he is not good at Maths, can he still live in the same world as they are living? 

Can he be in the same class?

Can he breathe the same air?

Can he still be friends with them? 

The class would scream at every question "Yes Ma'am !!!" 

They learnt an important lesson on "Unconditional other acceptance" over the next few days, with the help of many such activities. 

We are all after all imperfect fallible human beings and so are others! 

If we can give this discount to ourselves , isn't it logical to extend it to others too? 

We may like or prefer for others to behave according to our parameters but unfortunately they don't have to and we have but very little control over them. The sooner we understand this, the less heart burn we are going to suffer! 

And hence we learn to accept ourselves with our pluses and minuses and accept others with theirs! 

When acceptance seeps in , the doors to change open. 

The Black Birds.

In the vast canvass of our mind, thoughts keep coming and going just like birds flying in the sky. These birds are of all colors. Let's say peaceful thoughts are like white birds, thoughts of love and passion are pink, thoughts of energy ,enthusiasm and exertion are navy blue which are aligned to our purpose and task. Green birds signify refreshing thoughts and Yellow the color of hope, happiness and brightness. But besides all these colors we also encounter black birds sometimes. Thoughts that disturb us. Thoughts that make us feel distressed, helpless and hopeless. Thoughts that scare us, terrify us. Thoughts of self doubt. We tend to trap these black birds in the prison of our mind. They stay longer there than any of the colourful thoughts. The prison makes them flutter and they make a lot of noise. They want to escape. They were simply flying like the other thoughts through the sky. They didn't come to stay. They were also temporary. But we were so interested in these black ones that we just caught them perforce. And now we are not ready to let them go. We are looking at them again and again. They are ugly. They don't make us feel good. Still we keep paying them so much attention. They are not helping us in any way. Still we are holding them. They seem to be so meaningless and illogical. Still we are not letting them go. They are making so much noise. They are not letting us focus on the good things in our life, on the task at hand. Would it help to know that these black birds were also going to come and go without leaving any footprints behind? That we trapped them and fed them with so much attention that they became so big? You failed on one test and a black bird came flying saying you are no good. But unless you trap this thought it will just make a little noise and then fly away. Another grey one will come and say but it was just one test after all! And then will come another biege colored which will say "We all are imperfect , fallible, human beings, and we can fail at times" . Isn't this one worth paying more attention to? Let go of the black birds...there are so many other colors coming your way! Be ready to welcome them with open arms!! 

The mindful way of thinking!

Thinking is a continuous process. It is seamless. Let us think of these thoughts as birds flying in the sky. In the extensive canvas of the blue sky do we see these birds flying , thousands of them coming from one side and going to the other? They simply fly. Without leaving any footprints behind. They may be white birds. Thoughts signifying peace, purity and tranquility. When these thoughts are crossing the canvass of our mind how would we feel? What will be our heart rate? Will we be smiling softly? Would we like these thoughts to visit us more often? Would we like them to stay? Would we like to behave in alignment to these thoughts? 

Working towards having a peaceful and quiet, relaxing and calm state of mind will require : :becoming more and more aware of our own breath. Becoming aware of the present moment. Becoming mindful. Living in the present. Experience what is going on in the here and the now. Just experience. Without evaluating. Without rating it as good or bad. Welcome the white birds without attempting to trap them. Just observe them. Watch them from a distance. Notice them. By just becoming more aware of the passing thoughts a peaceful state is attained. 

At the same time being anchored in our involuntary, continuous, melodious , rhymthic, life giving process of breathing. This breath watching can take place at two places in our body. At our nostrils. The breath that goes inside is a little colder and the breath that comes outside is a little warmer. Notice your incoming and outgoing breath. Be with it. The breath can also be noticed by our abdominal movements. With each incoming breath the abdomen expands and we can notice the abdominal wall moving outwards. With each outgoing breath the abdomen contracts. We can notice the abdominal wall going inwards. Just be with your breath. Increase your awareness for your own breathing. And let the birds fly ! 

What about the black birds? And red ones? Wait for the next blog to meet them and deal with them. 

Shine like a Sun !

You introduce yourself as my childhood friend. You tell me you are happy to find me on Facebook.  You congratulate me. You appreciate my husband, my son. And then you also tell me that "you look beautiful in your profile pic". Wow !! Thank you so much for your gracious compliments. I accept them with gratitude. I too remember you from my childhood. Aren't you the same person who used to call me "Kaali mata"? 

Something that spread like fire and many more started giggling and saying the same thing to me. I used to feel bad. I didn't know words like "insulted" "humiliated" or "embarrassed" at that time. But I definitely used to feel hurt and ashamed of myself. I used to hide myself. I didn't like myself. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror. I used to reject all newly bought clothes by my mother thinking they were too bright or dark or light or whatever but they didn't suit me. I became what you called me. I took that term seriously and started identifying myself with your opinion of me. I became my color. I became blind to everything else. I became blind to the fact that I was the brightest girl in the class. That I used to answer all the questions. That I was the best actor in the class. That I was the best orator. That I was the best writer in all the three languages that we studied. I was a good athelete. I won Chess tournaments. I won Badminton games. I was chosen as the Master of ceremony on most occasions. I spoke fluently in English and Marathi, both were not my mother tongue. I was sincere and responsible. I was helpful and caring. But what I just became was "Kaali". And where were you all this while? I don't remember you studying or playing or dancing or acting or singing or writing...where were you? What did you excel in? I never asked. I never thought about it. I gave you the power over myself and made you powerful. I made you the bully you were. I helped you to hide your weaknesses and failures and flaws behind this projected power. I helped you to suck my self esteem and fill your own empty jar at my cost. 

I didn't know how to handle this at that time. I didn't know who would help me. I felt helpless and powerless. I shrank and became smaller and smaller until I was just an insignificant "kaali" girl. I started overhearing this word from many mouths thereafter. It never left me for a long time. People suggested "Apply besan with milk", "Apply aloe vera", "Apply potatoes", "Apply tomatoes". They used to worry who will marry me. And if I am not married how will my younger sisters get married. What is their fault. They are fair and good looking enough unlike me. 

I don't know when. I don't know how. But one day I resigned to my fate. I must have got tired. I decided to accept myself as I am. Slowly, the veil of my blindness started lifting and I started becoming aware of the light within me. I stood up. I shone brighter and brighter. Until I realized that for every one person who noticed my darkness there were 100 who loved and admired me for my brightness. I was no longer "Kaali". I started hearing my name! I was not your opinion afterall. I was me. With my pluses and minuses. With all my shades and colors. I was beautiful in myriad ways. And I liked myself! 

Everyday I meet so many older versions of mine. A boy in eleventh standard. Who scored 9 CGPA in 10th. Says he doesn't deserve to live because he is "kaala". 

A girl who doesn't go to school anymore. Hides in her room all day. Feels sad and guilty. You know why? Because she is "Moti". 

They have taken your labels seriously. They are in pain. 

But I am not helpless anymore. I know how to help them. I know how can they discover their own light. 

I am their safe place. They can come and speak to me. And take back the power to lift the veil and present themselves to the World !! 

Like the Sun they will Shine. Brighter and brighter.  

Therapists need therapy too !!

Psychologists, Counsellors, therapists , Doctors are also people with their own sets of problems. They also need to talk like everyone else. They also need to learn coping skills like everyone else. They may also need professional help. I often hear people saying "Oh...you are crying...but you are Psychologist !! " 

"Oh..why are you shouting...how can you get angry ..aren't you a Psychologist?" "What kind of Psychologist you are when you can't control yourself?". 

It seems to be logical to think that mental health professionals should be able to practice more emotional regulation as they have studied emotions and how to cope with them as a part of their education and training. But this expectation is little more far fetched than this logic. It fails to take into account the fact that these professionals or practitioners are also human and they have their emotional brain as well. They will also experience all the emotions just like any other human being. For e.g an orthopedic surgeon can suffer from a fracture although he knows all about bones , similarly a Psychologist can suffer a break-up although he knows better about human relationships. 

The only difference is that after suffering from a fracture an orthopedician will take utmost care and may recover faster than us, though the healing process will still take minimum time required for healing. Similarly, a Psychologist may have a quicker come back after an emotional upheaval. But we cannot guarantee that just because I know about bones , I will not get a fracture! 

Also, the profession itself is quite demanding as it is emotionally taxing and it is very difficult though ideal to remain detached from the sufferings of the fellow human beings while providing counselling services. 

The people who choose this profession are generally themselves empathetic people who are naturally sensitive to other's needs. They tend to get attached with their clients especially in the early years of their practice and their client's distress affects them. 

On the other hand when they look around them in their own distress they encounter apathy from others, even their own family and friends. 

Hence, it is imperative for all mental health professionals to invest in their own emotional and mental health regularly. They need to undergo systematic therapy sessions to deal with their own neurosis ideally before they start taking up sessions to help others and on a continuous basis even after that. 

They need to invest in their own sleep, physical exercise and mental relaxation by way of meditation, reading and pursuing a hobby for themselves. 

Friends, remember you can't pour from an empty cup after all! 

Take very good care of yourselves too. 

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Identifying Social media addiction

Social media addiction has become a common and raging psychological disorder with adolescents, young adults and adults all coming in its grip.

It is important to understand what kind of social media behavior will qualify as an "addiction".  To make it easy let us consider the term "Psychological dependence". Whenever we become "dependent" on any object or behavior and without which we experience distress then it can be considered as addiction.

I am seeing a lot of such cases in my clinic nowadays where children as young as 11 years old are getting hooked to sites like Instagram, online games like PUBG, Fortnite , Facebook, Snapchat, tik tok etc.

The children brought to my clinic have lost interest in studies, friends, play, and all other activities.
🔻They are using screen for as long as 4 to 16 hrs a day.
🔻They just want to be left alone with their phones.
🔻Any attempt to talk to them or scold them is met with stiff resistance and aggression.
🔻They are up in bed for hours till early morning and as a result have to skip school.

They do not show any motivation to modify their behaviour and are reluctant and hostile when brought to the clinic.

This is because it is too late before the parents take this action. It would be helpful if parents know the telltale signs of whether the child is slipping into dependance and take an early action.

The important things to look for could be :

1. Is your child having unlimited access to smartphone?

2. What is the total "screen time" of your child?

3. What are the other activities that your child participates in?

4. Are you aware what social media sites your child is visiting or using?

5. Are you aware of which online games is he playing?

6. Has your child's interest in his other activities reduced off late?

7. What is his sleeping pattern?

8. Do you notice any changes in his mood?

9. Is his academic performance deteriorating suddenly?

10. Does he become defensive , aggressive, or starts crying when you try to control his phone usage?

11. What is the level of his actual social interaction with his peers and family?

Answers to some of these questions should start you thinking on lines of seeking help.

The Psychological counseling for such addictions is a specialised treatment like any other addiction.

Some of the points which could help in dealing with these children could be :

1. Initially an attempt is made to engage the child in conversation.

2. A non judgemental attitude helps.

3. The child is not blamed or accused of his behaviours.

4. A confidentiality based rapport is established.

5. The child is helped to engage in conversations about his life and goals.

6. A discussion about his behaviours and it's consequences is then undertaken with the help of some Experiential games and activities.

These are a few points to start with.

Once the child's confidence is won only then discussion on modifying phone related behaviours are resorted to.

If introduced prematurely the session would end abruptly and therapy would backfire.